Oh God, I Don't Know If I Can Do This!

I was a child in the 70's. My summer days were spent on my three speed bike. My friends and I rode everywhere on our bikes. During this era Evel Knievel was attempting motorcycle jumps over cars, buses, etc. I watched him on TV and was inspired. The fact that he crashed often didn't deter my inspiration.  My friends and I built a small ramp. Jump after jump went successfully so we raised the ramp; making it higher and longer. More jumps followed, all successful so... I decided I would make it more like Evel Knievel. We jacked up the ramp, higher and longer still, then placed my brother's tricycle, a big wheel, three bicycles, and an empty metal trash can after the ramp. It looked so cool.  I rode to the top of the hill, looked down at the ramp and took off. I made three passes to check my speed and then rode to the top of the hill one more time.  At the top I hesitated only a moment and hit the peddles.  If I peddled hard enough, I would max out third gear just before hitting the ramp. I did max it out, leveled the peddles with my left foot forward, my right foot back. At that moment the only thing going faster than me on my bike was my heart. It felt like it would beat out of my chest. I will never forget as my front tire hit the bottom of the ramp and I knew I could not turn aside or go back, my mind screamed "Oh God, I don't know if I can do this."  But I did do it. They say God looks out for fools and little children, well I know He looked out for this foolish child that day. I made the jump over the tricycle, big wheel, three bicycles, and the metal trash can and landed hard but kept the bike upright. Wow, what an adrenalin rush.  I was thinking earlier this morning about how many times leadership and ministry has been a lot like the childhood bicycle jump I made imitating Evel Knievel.  Sitting on the front pew awaiting them to announce me as the "preacher" for that Sunday night service, my first sermon, I felt my heart beating so hard it felt like it would burst. As I stood and walked toward the pulpit my mind screamed "Oh God, I don't know if I can do this."  I sat in the hospital family room and heard the number one pediatric brain specialist in the world coldly tell the family from the small church I was pastoring that their 13 year old daughter had sub-acute sclerosing pan-encephalitis, a terminal illness that gave her only six months to a year to live, and then said "I see you have your clergyman with you if you have any questions, you can talk to him. Once again my heart raced, and my mind screamed "Oh God, I don't know if I can do this." I looked at the estimates amounting to a quarter million dollars to make the needed repairs and improvements to the church building. When I had arrived only one year prior the financial report looked like it had been produced in a slaughter house. There was red everywhere. Now a year later we had worked hard and paid off the churches total indebtedness. I had made the brash statement from the pulpit that we would do everything from now on without debt. Staring at the cost estimate numbers my heart started that now familiar hard count, and my mind again screamed, "Oh God, I don't know if I can do this." Over and over this heartbeat and mind scream have taken place in my life: accepting ministry opportunities and realizing the job was so much bigger than me, walking toward pulpits with all eyes on me, expecting me to have a word from God,  looking at financial reports, trend charts, cost estimates, listening to people pour out their hearts wanting me to have their answer, entering a new office, my office with all of its responsibilities...  Time and time again my heart has beat fast, and my mind screamed, "Oh God, I don't know if I can do this."  But I am happy to report God has never failed me.  He has always helped me.  Reading the stories of the men and women in Scripture I have noticed that most of them are pretty ordinary people who were thrust into extraordinary circumstances and God helped them do what was beyond themselves. As a matter of fact God rarely asks us to do just what we can do. He almost always calls us to go beyond ourselves.  Then when we step out, when we hit the peddles and reach our maximum, and commit to no turning aside or going back, God shows up, and He never fails.  Evel Knievel had nothing on those of us who are in Ministry and Leadership.